Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Bugs




The bug bit me.

You know the bug I’m talking about.  The one that stirs in your mind every waking moment and says, “you need to write, you love to write, you have stuff to say (whether or not people want to read it...), you need to write.”

And so here I am.  Except, I can’t pick up where I left off.  This space has a history, and a time and place.  And none of that is now.  It’s in the past, and that’s where it needs to stay. 

So, without further ramblings, if your heart desires, I’d love it if you’d join me in my new space over at thenextchapter40.wordpress.com, here.

Thanks friends.  I look forward to seeing you all again!

Have an awesome day!
Ang

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

One Year

My dog is dead.

My cat is (most likely) dead.

And I just want to go home.

Problem is...I don't have a home.

Sounds like a bad country song, doesn't it?  Yeah, that's what I thought.

But it seems to be life. 

I feel myself slipping back into "it"...put on the good face, Ang.  Pretend it's all ok, Ang.  If you make everyone believe all is good, then it is good.  Right?

And so here I am.  Contemplating.  Drinking.  I've been here before.  More than once. 

The house isn't selling.

I can't find a job.

All signs?  All His way of saying, ANGIE!!!  STOP!

And yet I attempt to forge ahead.

One year ago.

One year ago, I was finally healthy.  I was finally close to healed.  I was finally OK with me being me.

And then life was interrupted...in the most incredibly beautiful way.  And I love him for it.  Every single day, so deeply and so thoroughly...I do love him for it.

But then my heart felt something familiar.  Like every other time. 

I look at the path I'm headed down.  And it's starting to look familiar. 

Sure, I'll quit my job.

Sure, I'll move to another state.

Sure, I'll only drive your way, only drive your way, only drive your wayyyyyyyyyyyy...

Wait.  STOP!  I've been here before.

I've been here before

I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

And that time, I said no.

I said no to selfish.

I said no to one-sidedness.

I said no to me being last.

I said NO!

And I will say it again.

Because even though I've let myself be lost from the forefront a little bit lately, I know who I am.  And I know what I deserve.  And I know what I want.  And I will say no.

Please don't test me.  Please.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Isn't It Funny...





Earlier this week, I couldn't sleep.  four out of five nights, I slept like shit.  Sorry.  No sugar coating tonight.

I was EXCITED!  I had goals.  I had plans.  I had so many ideas running through my head that I would wake up to pee (I'm addicted to water, I can't help it), and not fall back to sleep for at least an hour (so annoying) because I had so many ideas and exciting things going through my mind!

I had been planning my goals.  I even wrote them ON PAPER!  I never write my goals on paper.  That like, makes them real and stuff.  Who wants that?!?

So I have a TON of goals for 2014.  And I'm even writing monthly goals. Seriously, who am I?!?!  I bought a life planner to keep me organized.  It's been in ship-mode since Christmas Eve.  Today is Jan. 2.  I hate you, fedex!  But I'm soooo excited to get my hands on it! 

And then...

And then shit happens.

As it always does.

You have these plans.  You have these things that are going to be incredible and life changing and amazing for 2014.

And then your dog gets hit by a car on New Years Eve.

And then you're faced with his life or death decisions.

And you die on the inside.

And you see all of these goals and plans, that of COURSE involved him because he's been your most bestest boy ever for ten years...you see those plans differently...because he won't be there.

And it hurts.  It hurts so very deeply. 

And the choice you make...you hope it's the right one.  Even if it hurts you, you hope it saves his pain.  Because I never ever ever ever wanted him to feel pain.

I love you, Buddy.  So very much.  You are my Diesl Boy forever and ever and I love you.  Thank you for being my best boy ever!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A Little of This, A Little of That: The 2013 Wrap Up

video


I haven't been here in quite some time.  Well, not completely true.  I do lurk in the shadows, wondering if I am the only one who comes here still to read the words.  It appears that a few people still stop by, and I do appreciate that, and at the same time, I apologize for not being more engaged.  My words seemed forced for quite some time, and I needed to remove myself from this place.

I was talking to a friend about that fact...the fact that my words on this blog weren't flowing like they once did.  I told her that I was sad about that fact, but that I couldn't force any words that were worth reading, so I stepped away.  And my dear friend, she said the most profound thing to me: "Maybe you don't have the words anymore because you are in a much better place than you had been.  Maybe the blog served its purpose as your outlet during a very dramatic, very traumatic time in your life, and now that the waters have calmed, so has your need for an outlet."  Holy flippin cow.  AMAZING!  I hadn't thought about it like that.   Not at all.

But it's true.

My life, this past year, it has been calm.  It has been drama free.  It has been peaceful.  And I have loved every second of it.

And that's what I wanted to focus on today: where I've been this past year, what I've learned, and what I plan to take into 2014 (Holy my goodness, it's 2014 already?!??!).

Money
During the fall, I went through a money crisis, and then a transformation.  I have debt.  I was blowing money like it grew on trees (I was having a great time with my friends, but it was not a sustainable way to live).   I was tired of being strapped for cash all of the time. So I made changes.  I created a budget (I've never adhered to, or even had, a written-on-paper budget).  I continued to pay all of my bills on time as I always have (seriously, my credit is obnoxiously beautiful), but with the "left over money,"  I made choices that are going to advance me, not continue to hold me down.  In the month of December, I will admit that I've fallen off the wagon (Christmas, Christmas togethernesses with friends, love and joy and happiness...how could I say no?!).  But beginning this week, I'm back on the wagon.  No more going out.  No more spending on non-necessities.  No more blowing the food budget out of the water "just this once."  Time to buckle down and pay shyte off.  So excited!

Acquaintances
I am the Sunshine Giver.  I firmly believe that I was put on this Earth to share my sunshine with others and to be a positive note in a sometimes cloudy world.  My personality attracts all sorts of people.  I discovered this year that, unfortunately, I was letting in, and holding on to, too many negatives.  I realized that I was allowing myself to be used by people that didn't necessarily need my sunshine, but rather, were trying to steal it.  In the spring, I realized that I had several of these people latching on all at once.  And it was exhausting.  And so I exited stage right (or left, whichever).  I got out.  I withdrew from certain people.  I distanced myself.  And my own spirits lifted.  I was beginning to suffocate from carrying these people around, and by taking a step back, I saved myself from darkness.  I felt bad for doing this, but the most important thing I learned: it's OK to step away.  It's OK to let go of negative people.  It's OK to NOT put up with the crap.  I've accepted that fact, and life is so much more awesomerester!

Drama
By nature, I'm a pretty low key/go with the flow sort of person.  Don't get me wrong; I can get spun up with the best of them.  But generally, I like a calm, chaos-free life.  Again, I think this leads back to friends vs. acquaintances and who you allow to be close to you.  I spent the first five months of this year healing a broken heart and spirit.  Stepping back from the remaining bit of drama that I was allowing in my life allowed me to heal, and to become myself again.

Love
Yep, that one word.  That one place that is so scary to visit when you've been hurt so many times.  Love found me, and I took a chance, and I haven't regretted it yet.  It hasn't been easy, for so many reasons.  It wasn't been easy because I needed to learn to trust again, and so did he.  It hasn't been easy because it's long distance.  It hasn't been easy because I'm a girl and he's a guy and that's just difficult sometimes.  But, at the end of the day, I wouldn't change any part of the last eight months (eight months already!).  We are trusting, we are healing, we are learning and growing...together.  And it feels pretty dang amazing!

Family
My family...man oh man.  I love these people so very much.  I have made an effort to be in closer contact with them.  I try to talk to my momma once a week, and my sister just as often (although it doesn't always work out that way).  I text and facetime my nephew and niece (it's CRAZY that they're old enough to text me!).  And I realize that I can do better.  I can get to Portland more frequently to see them (although see above Money segment...gas is expensive!).  But I think I'm doing a better job at keeping in contact with them, because I know for quite some time, I had lost that connection...using distance and a busy life as an excuse.  That won't happen again.  Nope. It won't.

Me, Myself and I
All of this stuff...it all comes together and creates the person that I am today:
The person who has been broken close to the point of no repair, but has found new hope in love.
The person who struggles financially, but is beyond committed to becoming debt free.
The person who has allowed other people's drama to dictate this life, but will no longer accept such craziness.
The person who had let her family become less important than her own life, but now realizes that family is the rock she will always lean on.
The person who deeply appreciates the calm, consistent life that hers has become.

Thanks for stopping by, friends!  I'm not sure what 2014 holds for this here blog.  I may stop by occasionally to say hello.  But there are a lot of other goals and changes coming up in 2014, and this blog has been moved down on the list of "must do." I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being in my life.  Cheers to you and your new year.  BRING ON 2014!!

Have an awesome day!
Ang


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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

An Open Letter to Our Government





I know those first two are humorous.  But friends, this situation isn't humorous.  Not at all.

In fact, I think the last photo sums it all up pretty well.

For those who don't know me well, I need to let you know that I can get pretty fired up about politics.  I didn't for about 12 years because I was laughed at and ridiculed for trying to have adult conversations about politics.  But now that I am me again, I talk about this stuff.  And I love it...to the point that I hate it.

But this post isn't about choosing sides, or pointing fingers.

This post is to publicly say that I'm beyond disgusted with the childish behavior of EVERYONE in DC.

That's great that the Republicans took a stand against what they think is wrong (Obamacare).  But at the expense of their constituents' pay checks?

And the Democrats, Obama included...you are not holier-than-thou.  Stop acting like it.

You all are supposed to be adults.  I hired you to make decisions on my behalf.  Shutting down the government was NOT on my agenda.

You are playing a (losing) game of chess with the greatest nation on Earth.  Each day that you all hold out on each other, you are weakening this nation.

Mr. President and Members of Congress, YOU are solely responsible for the demise of this country.  You are personally responsible for hundreds of thousands of families currently living without income.  You are responsible for those people possibly defaulting on THEIR BILLS.  Ironically, they probably had working budgets before you took away their incomes.

If I was this indecent and uncooperative at work, I would be fired.

Members of Congress, I hope you're enjoying your time in office.  Election season can't come soon enough.

And Mr. President...well, great work with the "legacy" that you are helping leave on this nation.  Very disappointing.

Signed,
YOUR BOSS, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE


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Thursday, October 10, 2013

10.10


I have nothing to hide.

38.

I was carded two weeks ago.

38 is going to be an AMAZING year!

I hope you enjoy my day as much as I do! :)

Have an awesome day!
Ang


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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

One Time...At Band Camp...





One time, many moons ago, I met this girl.  She hated me.  I was "going out with" the boy she liked (mind you, 1989, I'm 13, this boy, I saw him once).  That was the summer before our freshman year...the year that two schools merged and 180-some 13 and 14 year olds sorted it all out and became friends and enemies.

And that girl...she and I became best friends.

That was 24 years ago.  GULP.

Over the past 24 years, we've been through A LOT together.  And we've been through a lot apart.

We've lived close.  We've lived a million miles away.  We've been married and divorced and partied and been hermits.  We've loved, laughed, cried, been angry, done stupid shyte.  There are a million zillion memories floating in my head right now.

She ran away to Greece a few years back...lived there for five years.  She married an amazing Greek guy, came home to Oregon and made two beautiful babies.  Have I mentioned how much I love being Auntie Ang?  That warms my heart every single day!

She's the reason I went to Spain last year.  It all started with a trip to Greece, including a side trip to Spain...because, you know, they're close to each other and stuff (they are the opposite of close, p.s.).  When their plans fell through, she encouraged me to still go to Spain.  And so I did.  And for the rest of my life, I will be thankful for that encouragement.

Tomorrow she starts her next life adventure.  Tomorrow her life moves her to Ireland.  And I'm trying really hard to not be sad.

But I'm sad.

But I'm excited.  I'm so very excited for their next adventure.  What an incredible opportunity!  And she and the hubs are so looking forward to it all.

Unfortunately, I never made it to Greece the first time she was there. Yes, I understand how dumb that is.

Luckily, I already have plans to be in Dublin next fall.  Oktoberfest in Ireland?  Yes please!

Kris, I'm so very excited for you guys.  I will miss you deeply and so very much and stuff, but facetime, skype, all of the other crap...it's going to be all good!  I love you, be safe, have fun.  Enjoy every second of it!!

Love you!
ME 
 
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